When I was only seven my parents told me that I couldn’t stay with them anymore, and that I would have move to Coquille, Oregon to live with my Uncle Jeff. Being so I young I didn’t give much thought to the move, except would the boys there have cootie, and would the girls there like me. My mom and dad drove me to the airport. It was a long drive and the silence made it feel even longer. I remember asking them why I had to go my mom looked “Kelsey l can’t tell you right now but when you’ll older I promise I will explain everything.” After we got to the airport my mom kissed my forehead then broke down crying I had never seen her cry before. She was acting like we never he each other again, then they handed me over to the flight crew they gave me a pair of plastic wings and took me over to the ‘Unaccompanied Minors’ section of the airport. It was scorching in there, and the shrill noise coming from all the kids was ear-pricing. I wandered over to the farthest corner. There were some harsh drawings, and some offence words on the big grey wall. I just ignored them and waited for my plane. I flight attended cam over to me and asked if I was doing okay. I looked up at her, she looked like she was thirty I could tell she smoked because there was a strong odor coming off her, and she had brown hair going grey. “I’m just dandy” I said sarcastically, she gave me a smug looked, and then disappeared in to a sea of children. I get the request to board the plane. When I get outside I see a giant white plane it was amazing the biggest plane I had ever seen. The plane ride was an hour and a half of silence. I spent the whole time looking out the window at all the houses it was incredible they looked like I could just pick them up and put them in my pocket. Once I got off the plane I saw Jeff he was wearing a grungy flannel shirt and a pair a blue jeans. When he saw me he ran over to me and gave me a massive hug. I did love my uncle but I didn’t remember him much. He wasn’t in my life for the last three years. The only memory I had of him was when he taught me to play baseball, and that he always said the great American past time instead of just saying baseball. We got to the parking lot, and I saw it Jeff’s car it was the most amazing had ever seen it was all black with leather seats tinted windows and a bumper sticker that read ‘someone in Oregon loves me’ I thought it was kind of weird because Jeff was single, but I didn’t bring it up. After admiring the car Jeff opened the trunk, and through my bags in. Jeff went around the car and opened my door for me I hoped in, then he did the same. Once he turned the key the engine revved making me jump, Jeff looked over at me and grinned. The ride to Coquille from Eugene felt endless, nothing but static from the radio filled our ears, after about an hour he asked me if there was anything special I wanted to do that night, I asked him if he picked up my school supplies. A blank look struck his face, “um no, but I guess we’re doing that tonight” he said feeling brainless. After a grueling car ride we got to Jeff’s|||Three problems.
1) It's a giant brick. I tried, but I only read three sentences because it was too difficult.
2) In those three sentences, you managed to info dump. Don't do that.
3) Also, I picked up a number of grammar mistakes. That's self explanatory..|||it sounds very interesting. now im super curios as to why she had to leave. you did have quite a few grammer problems, but it sounds really good (: answer mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqKmTpgx5Rp68LyDjJ7XYeHty6IX|||Super interesting.!!!!|||Well, what is it you are trying to write?
You said that your character is only 7yo but she has the attitude of someone much, much older. Thinking about relationships when she reads a bumper sticker, yet realizing that it should not be brought up. Mentally commenting on the state of other "unaccompanied minors" while, even though she is in second grade, she maintains a calm state of mind.
Of course the punctuation and grammar needs to be worked on as well.
christian bookhuhot
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